The Third Test Ends, The Mug Awards begin

As Australia win the Ashes, it's time for some awards...

Ever since being overlooked for Pie Boy of the year at the MCG in 1994 (I was absolutely ripped off, as I was forced to sell pizzas mid-year, which significantly lowered my average of four n' twenty pies sold per match), I have never trusted the people who choose awards. So that’s why I’m giving my own awards for this third test (And also because I had a bunch of random notes about this match, that just wouldn’t coalesce into a single coherent narrative)

So here’s the inaugural Mug Awards…

The Meek Mill “Hold up, wait a minute — y’all thought I was finished!?” Award

This goes to Usman Khawaja who everyone had stuck a fork in, until about an hour before the test, when Steve Smith called in sick, and the fork was plcuked out. A few hours laters he was strolling out to bat at number four, where he reminded everyone what actual test batting looked like (including the obligatory England dropped catch). But the fairytale was cut short when he went out slog sweeping Will Jacks. Khawaja went out twice to Will Jacks in this match, which is surely the first time any player has gone out twice to Will Jacks, ever.

This “Is this helpful or just really fucking annoying?” award.

Marnus Labushagne for his “banter” while Nathan Lyon was bowling. Calling it banter seems a stretch, as banter needs at least other active participant. This was like something you would hear from the old bloke at the bowls club who accosts you after his eighth pint. And seriously, what the fuck is a square dog?

Alex Carey says he has to tune Labushagne out in the field, which is a nice way of putting it. I’d be pulling out a stump and stuffing it into Marnus’s mouth. But Marnus does get a let off for the extraordinary catches across the whole series.

Another in the Long Line of Reasons to Thank Christ Justin Langer Isn’t Still Coach Award

This goes to Jake Weatherald who didn’t review his LBW dismissal, which would have been not out. You wonder if it was triggering for Aaron Finch, who in The Test documentary didn’t review a dismissal that was also not out. When he returned to the dressing room, he didn’t get a supportive arm round his shoulder, Justin Langer stormed in and whacked him harder than a Travis Head straight drive. It’s actually the first of so many moments in The Test, when you think “Maybe Langer might be a bit unhinged and not the best person to coach this team”

The Pulp Fiction “Why the fuck you do that?” Award for an Absurd Shot with Fatal Consequences

In another Bazball induced brain fart, Harry Brooks decided to reverse sweep Nathan Lyon who was turning it sideways, and was clean bowled. Calling it a decision might be unfair, as brainwashed cult members can’t be held accountable for their own actions.

Barney Ronay in the Guardian called the shot “an epitaph for an era, albeit one that was incoherent, misspelt and appeared to have been scrawled on a hotel napkin with a frankfurter.”

Best Commentary Moment of the Match

This two hander would have made Harold Pinter proud. (I never thought I’d describe anything in the Channel 7 Commentary box as Pinteresque)

It was even better that it wasn’t said in the weird, forced, blokey banter that you get from Hayden, Langer and Brayshaw (and anyone else in their blast radius). This was a Ricky Ponting at his most earnest, asking with genuine curiosity and confusion, if Will Jacks is the best spinner, and David Lloyd responding in his deadpan, thick Lancashire accent, “Absolutely not.”

Any young actors please take note: it’s much better that they delivered it straight and didn’t over cook it, just let the dialogue do the work.

Ricky Ponting is an absolute revelation in that role. He’s rarely sucked into the blokey banter, and everything he says is imbued with such a loved for the game, and his intricate understanding of every element.

Tragically I can’t find footage of that, but a huge thanks to The Nightly and their wonderful match blog, for confirming what I thought I’d heard.

The “Build That Man a Statue!” Award

I really wanted to make this a funny choice, because commentators constantly calling for players to get a statue is so tedious. But I’ve gotta go with an actual earnest answer, and someone who almost certainly will get a statue at Adelaide Oval - Travis Head. There isn’t enough superlatives. Every time he walks out to bat I’m reminded of why I love test cricket.

In this series Travis Head has had two of the greatest Ashes innings of the last decade, but hasn’t won a Man of the Match (Trust me Travis, I know the feeling after losing pie boy of the year).

The Logan Roy “You Are Not Serious People” Award

The English Team. And anyone who ever bought into the Bazball bullshit. You are not serious people.

The Random Film Scene That Jumped into My Mind While Watching Ben Stokes’ Post Match Press Conference Award

At the start of the press conference, when asked how he felt, Stokes replied, “The Dream is Over.” The first thing that jumped into my mind was the scene between Barry and Siobhan in The Banshees of Inisherin.

“There goes that dream” is one of the most painful, heartbreaking deliveries of any line ever. And for a brief moment, when I re-watched it and imagined Barry as Ben Stokes wandering away from a naive dream that was never going to come true, I did actually feel sorry for Stokes.¹

Soundtrack for the Match and Series So Far…

I had been wondering what song summed us this series so far, and at the opposite end of the pop cultural constellation from the The Banshees of Inisherin, I thought of Milli Vanilli’s Girl I’m Gonna Miss You. Like so many of the England players, Milli Vanilli were thrust into a scenario they weren’t prepared for, by a delusional manager with badly thought out plan, and were horribly exposed as frauds.

So keeping with the theme of thwarted dreams, this one goes out to the English supporters, who feel it’s a tragedy to see the Dream is over…

1. The scene is so excruciatingly beautiful and sad. With a bad actor, or just a decent actor who hit it too hard, that line “There goes that dream” could have been fumbled worse than a Harry Brooks catch. But the delicate, vulnerable delivery, and the reaction on Siobhán’s face as she lets him down is heartbreaking (I will fight anyone who doesn’t think she’s the star of this movie).