The Totally Unbiased Guide to Australia vs Turkey at the World Cup

And Why Australia Will Win.

So, Australia vs Turkey is on this Sunday, who’s going to win?

Australia.

Are you serious, or are you just doing that schtick where you just keep saying Australia will win?

Australia will win.

Dude, Turkey are ranked five places higher than Australia on FIFA rankings, they have multiple players who played Champions League this year, and an absolute gun called Arda Guler who plays for Real Madrid.

I was in the stadium for the Uruguay qualifier in 2005. I stayed up all night to watch Australia play Japan in our first World Cup game for 32 years in 2006, saw us go 0-1 down after 25 minutes (when Schwarzer was clearly fouled in the box), and spent the next hour in a stunned, solemn silence, and then saw Australia kick three goals in 8 minutes to win 3-1. Since then I believe Australia can win against anyone. Also I went to high school with Marco Bresciano which basically makes me a Socceroo. So when I say Australia will win, Australia will win.

Okay, let’s say Australia are going to win… at least tell me why we should be a little bit concerned about Turkey.

Alright, you asked for it. Turkey haven’t been to a World Cup since 2002, and that year, they finished third. So you can imagine after they won that third place play-off, they probably thought, maybe we’ll win it next time. But there wasn’t a next time. Now, twenty four years later, we are the next time.

So for five long World Cups in a row, the entire population of Turkey has been sitting at home quietly seething that Turkey aren’t playing, while Australia has galavanted around in every World Cup since.

Turkey are basically Inigo Montoya from the Princess Bride. For twenty years, they’ve been waiting for this day to come. Now it’s not our fault they haven’t made the World Cup over the last 24 years, but we’re the first team they run into on the way to vengeance. We’re like the unlucky plebs that get in John Wick’s way early on.

Hang on, before you go into one of your indulgent, cinematic metaphors… Did you just say, that the last time Turkey played in a World Cup, they finished third?

Yes. Obviously, none of those players are still playing, and many of their current players weren’t even born then, but grudges don’t just disappear when players retire, they get passed down from generation to generation like an ancient curse. England will never forgive Argentina for the Hand of God in 1986, Australia will never forgive Italy for diving in the last minute of the 2006 World Cup, and I will never forgive the kid who beat me for Pie Boy of the Year at the MCG in 1994, hence robbing me of back to back titles, after I won Pie Boy of the year in 1993.

The 2002 third place play off was an absolute banger, with Turkey beat South Korea 3-2 in front of a stadium of devastated Korean fans. It began with Turkey’s Hakan Sukur scoring a goal in 10.8 seconds, which to this day is still the fastest goal in a World Cup match.¹

Wow. So Hakan Sukur must be a national hero in Turkey?

Ah, not really. He’s their highest ever goal scorer, which usually guarantees national hero status, but in 2016 he was accused of plotting to overthrow the Turkish government and has lived in exile in the United States ever since. (It’s really complicated/I don’t really understand what happened)

Okay, stop talking about the Turkish team from 24 years ago, and tell me about this current Turkish team.

This current Turkey team only finished three points below Spain in their qualifying group for this World Cup, and Spain are the favourites to win the world cup. So Turkey had to qualify the hard way, winning two sudden death playoffs against Romania and Kosovo. Turkey are Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption - they “crawled through a river of s**t and came out clean on the other side."

I tried for way longer than I should have to paste a photo of Turkey’s flag onto Tim Robbins’ face, but was ultimately unsuccessful.

Seriously, what did I say about the cinematic references? Just tell me about Turkey’s players.

Turkey have a 21 year old called Arda Guler, who looks like a kid at university doing an engineering degree, but has a left foot more lethal than the Hattori Hanzo sword in Kill Bill. His passes slice through an opposition’s defence like a scalpel, or in this case against Romania, just go right over the top, with a perfect lob pass.

And it’s not just lethal passes on his left foot. Have a look at this long distance wonder goal which won Best Goal in La Liga this year.

Shit.

Yeah. Shit. They also have another great player called Kenan Yildiz who plays attacking midfielder for Juventus, who’s so good Arsenal have just offered 100 million for him, but he has an injured calf and probably (hopefully) won’t play against Australia, so they can save him for later in the tournament. And while it’s bad juju to hope an opposition player has an injury, it is absolutely allowed if you’re playing against them in the first match of the World Cup.

Finally Hakan Calhanoglu who is 32, and one of the few players who was actually alive last time Turkey played in the World Cup. He would have been eight, which is the perfect age to suffer an emotional scar, which will drive you for the rest of your life (ask Batman). He might not get another chance to play in a World Cup, so he’s not here to fuck around. And he kicks goals like this.

My God, how are we going to stop these Turkish players banging in wonder goals from half way?

The good news is our goal keeper Mat Ryan is a genuinely great shot stopper. This year in La Liga, he kept nine clean sheets, and made 125 saves, playing for Levante who have a defence that leaks worse than the boat which my dad stupidly bought after winning a quadrella in 1987, which sunk twice in two years and cost more to repair than the actual winnings from the Quadrella.² Ryan plays against Arda Guler in La Liga, so he won’t be coming too far off his line.

Hang on… Didn’t Mat Ryan make a mistake in the last World Cup that gifted Argentina a goal, in a match we lost by a goal?

Sorry I can’t hear you. It’s a bit loud in here.

Okay, now that I’m absolutely terrified of Turkey, give me some good news about Australia.

We went unbeaten in our final eight qualifying matches after Tony Popovic replaced Graham Arnold as head coach, including a first win against Japan in 15 years, when Aziz Behich scored this absolute Banger in the 90th minute.

We have Nestory Irankunda, who loves banging them in from outside the box and going on insane runs with the ball. But he can be very hot headed, like his last season at Adelaide United which featured more cards (nine) than goals (eight), but then again he was living in Adelaide and that is enough to make someone really angry.

Then there’s Mo Toure, who’s the first player in ten years to start his English career with a hat trick. Not even Shane Warne got a hat trick in England. For a bonus point, who are the two Australian footballers who have also scored tricks in England? (Answer in the footnote. I reckon you’ll guess one, but not the other) ³

And we have a very strong backline, with Jordan Bos, Cam Burgess, Jacob Italiano, Alessandro Circati and Harry Souttar, who is about 9 metres tall, making it much harder for Turkey to kick goals from halfway, because they’ll have to kick it over him.

There’s also Lucas Herrington who is our youngest player, but has quickly become one of the best defenders in the MLS, where he has marked Son, Thomas Mueller and Messi. And has reportedly been head hunted by Barcelona, which would make him the first ever Australian signed by their senior team. If all else fails we can unleash Aziz Behich, who is the one Socceroo you would want on your side, if a fight broke out in a pub.

Didn’t Aziz Behich try to fight Messi in the last World Cup, which enraged Messi so much he immediately kicked a goal against us?

Sorry it got really loud in here again. I can’t here you.

Okay, a couple of quick final questions… Which player is the most likely to “announce themselves on the world stage?”

Nestory Irankunda.

Which player is most likely to get a red card?

Nestory Irankunda.

Which player will the media rush to label the next Tim Cahill, and burden them with that crushing expectation for the next ten to fifteen years?

Nestory Irankunda.

Are you just going to keep answering Nestory Irankunda?

Nestory Irankunda.

Okay, tell me honestly, who is going to win, and the final score.

Australia 3-0.

1. You possibly noticed in the video that South Korea were coached by Guus Hiddink, the man who coached Australia into the next world cup in 2006, and never has to pay for a beer in Australia ever again.

2. If you ever meet my Mum, please don’t mention the boat. It’s a real sore point, which she is still annoyed about. I still remember being at a football clinic in East Perth in 1988, and she appeared in the grandstand during the clinic and called out, “Declan, the boat is sinking.” As her voice reverberated off the old tin grand stand, and out onto the field, I realised that for the remainder of my time at that football clinic, I would be the kid who’s boat was sinking.

3. Mark Viduka scored two hatricks in the Premier League for Leeds. This one against Liverpool (fuck he was great), and one against Charlton in an absolute 6-1 rout. The trickier answer is is Scott McDonald who did it against Hull in the Championship.